January
I moved back to Split to live with my mother and brother. I stayed in contact with Sandy, who, having experienced psychosis herself, was one of the few people I could openly discuss it with.
Dr. Lucy informed me that she was leaving the Day Hospital to start her own private practice. While this meant I would have to pay for therapy sessions, I agreed to continue seeing her. We scheduled bi-weekly Skype video calls. I also needed to find a new doctor in Split to prescribe my medication. Fortunately, I found a wonderful doctor who not only agreed to prescribe my medication but also offered to provide therapy sessions.
While I appreciated the new doctor, Dr. Lucy had a deeper understanding of my mental and physical state, especially in the early stages of my recovery. I felt more comfortable and unrestricted in my conversations with her. Dr. Lucy explained that I needed to address a significant void left by the psychosis, which meant finding ways to experience joy and well-being again. She recommended physical activity, believing it would accelerate my recovery. This led to me running with my brother on the peninsula. The experience felt like a constant state of waking up and immediately needing to go somewhere while still half-asleep. During the run, I told my brother I wished I were dead, but clarified that I wasn’t actively suicidal.
February
I continued to struggle with daily suicidal thoughts and experienced both excessive sleeping and restless sleep. On the positive side, the nightmares had stopped. Even Dr. Lucy was surprised that my dreams, when I did have them, were vivid and pleasant.
March
I returned to my old job, which required me to fight constant drowsiness and suicidal thoughts throughout my shifts. I longed for the days when I lived alone, simply working, getting high after work, and repeating the cycle. My work hours were from 6 p.m. to 2 a.m.
My mental state at this time can be best described by a video from the game Max Payne. The video revolves around the part Max Payne was on a drug trip as he ran through the maze. The video accurately reflects my internal struggles with hopelessness, suicidal ideation, regret for the past, and the feeling that I was living in a simulation, all while experiencing a sense of physical numbness.
April
I began taking a new antidepressant, Velafax. After about two weeks, it began to take effect, and I started to feel significantly better.
June
In June, my work schedule changed to 7 p.m. to 3 a.m., which meant I once again shifted to a nocturnal lifestyle.
July
Despite telling Ava in Zagreb the previous year that I didn’t want to see her again, I now found myself wanting to reconnect. I still had her phone number, and she could see my WhatsApp statuses. One morning after work, I recorded a sunrise and set it to the beginning of Calvin Harris’s “Thinking About You.” I posted it as a WhatsApp status, but she didn’t respond. Later, I saw that she had found work near my village, close to Drniš. She even posted a picture of a signpost pointing to my village as a WhatsApp status. I couldn’t resist messaging her, asking, “What are you doing there?” She replied promptly, and we resumed our communication.
A few days later, Ava posted a WhatsApp status showing our old spot on Kašjuni beach. I took the opportunity to invite her to Makarska. After noticing she deleted a message in our chat, she responded positively. She was on vacation, so we went one weekend. We visited Nugal beach, hoping to swim nude with others, but some clothed people were there. Despite this, we still had a good time. That evening, after the beach, we had dinner in Makarska.
We continued to meet up for swims and drinks afterwards, occasionally taking walks around the city as well.
In September, we booked a hotel for a vacation on the island of Mljet.
September
At the end of September, Ava and I were both on vacation. We drove to the island of Mljet, stopping for coffee in Makarska along the way. We then took a ferry to Mljet and arrived at our hotel late in the afternoon, checking into our room.
After arriving at our hotel on Mljet, we had dinner and then strolled around the town. We enjoyed a drink by the sea before returning to the hotel. Although we shared a bed, sex was not something I was focused on.
The following morning, after breakfast, we went for a nude swim in the Little Lake. It wasn’t crowded, as it was late in the season. I had chosen the Little Lake specifically because its water temperature can reach 86°F (30°C) in the summer. We swam, sunbathed, and then went for a drink.
The day after our swim in the Little Lake, we visited Odysseus Cave, located on a rocky cliff on the south side of the island. We decided to swim there as well. I wore swimming trunks, while Ava went topless. I filmed her as she positioned herself on the rocks above the sea for a dive. Her head dive was excellent, as always. She surfaced, turned to me, and exclaimed, “Wonderful!” I put my phone away and jumped in after her. As we swam toward the cave, Ava revealed she was swimming naked, her swimsuit tied to her wrist. I followed suit, and we swam together into the impressive cave.
The following day, we drove to the opposite side of Mljet, where there was a sandy beach. It was relatively deserted, with only a few people present and some boats anchored offshore. Despite arriving dressed, we again swam naked. While hugging Ava, I became aroused. She sensed this and attempted to mount me, but the time and place weren’t appropriate.
On our last morning on Mljet, we cuddled in bed. I attempted to stimulate her, but she wasn’t responsive. I stopped, we packed our bags, and prepared to return to Split.
Before leaving, I told her, “I want to have incredible sex with you, so we connect on multiple levels. I want you to have an experience where you say, ‘I’ve never felt that before; I didn’t know I could do it,’ things like that. I want to please you as much as myself.”
It was crucial to catch the ferry back to the mainland. Once there, we went for a swim at a nearby sandy beach, this time wearing our swimsuits. Ava expressed her desire to go topless, and despite my initial hesitation, I ultimately let her do as she pleased. Again, we ended up swimming naked and became aroused. We moved further out, where the water was deeper, and I embraced her. She attempted to mount me, but the situation was too awkward. We left the water to get towels. Some older men were looking at her, but I understood why.
We then drove to Ston for lunch and drinks before continuing on to Split.
October
While on our trip to Mljet, Ava and I took many photos and videos. I edited a montage of the trip, and as I was watching it, I noticed a moment where Ava jumped headfirst into the sea. Instead of saying “Wonderful!” as expected, she said “Wordful!” It felt as though something had changed in the video. It reminded me of a picture with three spots, and I started thinking that the archons might have altered the video. I felt like they had immense power.
At one point, the effect of Velafax was so strong that I imagined myself holding the railing on my balcony with both hands and jumping in place. I felt a rush of happiness, and the thought crossed my mind: what if, after jumping in place, I actually jumped off the balcony? I didn’t want to kill myself; it was just a fleeting thought. I shared this with both of my psychiatrists, and as a result, Velafax was taken out of my treatment. I regretted mentioning it because Velafax had been working well for me.
In the days after discontinuing Velafax, I experienced some strange sensations. Occasionally, for a few seconds, I felt a shiver running through my body, and my vision would blur briefly. I had to push through these moments while continuing with my work.
@Limbo 
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