At Limbo

I don’t know how it happened, that I started to feel like I was home here in SoVA. I don’t know if it’s when I started working at the bar and made friends there, or my first road trip by myself, or if it only hit me when I realized I was willing to turn down opportunity outside of the Peninsula… But it’s happened. I feel home here. Home is walking into the club & the girls sweeping me up in their arms to make me up and teach me new things. Home is driving with my top down at sunrise. Home is a cigarette in the cold night just marveling at the world. Home is shaking & feeling dizzy with the happiness of it all. It’s mindblowing & humbling & surprising.

I’m again surrounded by music, taking my own time to do my own thing, and I feel so happy I said last night: “If I were a crier, this would be the happy-cry moment. This would definitely be the moment.”

I don’t even know how to put it to words, except that I woke up this morning, sat down, and started writing fiction again. Working on my Guardians stories. I haven’t really written – even wanted to – in years. It hasn’t felt right, it’s felt fake, off, whatever. Last night the flood gates opened and I’m terrified of that. What if I lose it again? What if I crumble again? I don’t know that I’d ever get it back if I fell apart this time. But… I want to write. I want to feel this way again.

It’s a tenuous hold that I have, this feeling, but I’m grasping it tightly and holding it close to my chest. I’m letting these feels wash me over and keeping my eye out for more definitive proof that I’m not insane in all of this. I never thought anywhere would feel like home like DC, like the family I have there and our cobbled together house in Petworth. But the world has always had a way of proving me wrong, and I’m glad to see it happen this time.

I feel like I’m slipping out of Limbo, moving onto more solid ground, and it’s been so long since I had that feeling, I don’t quite know what to do with it. Limbo has been me for so long, it’s hard to believe the crisis might be passing.

I love being on the road. This seems to a theme lately, I know, but I am once again comfortable on my parents’ couch, having decided last night to take my two days off from the bar and visit the beach. I think I’ve figured out what I enjoy so much about these little sojourns, though.

I’m not particularly good at being ‘inside’ my own head. Time in the quiet, meditation, yoga, vacation – none of these things have ever fit for me. My brain tends to go into overdrive with all the other things I should be doing rather than just sitting. However, when I’m driving, I am in my element. I am inside my own mind, thinking over life’s big and little decisions, singing loudly to music I’d probably be embarrassed to admit loving (my recent performance? Definitely Ke$ha). In this moment in my life, it’s exactly what I need, I’d say.

Life in SoVA, thus far, has been surprisingly good to me. I’ve found a job; slinging cocktails & tasty bar food at a club in Newport News. It’s different than anything I’ve ever done before, and for that I’m thankful, it’s also been good for me in other ways – the confidence it takes to survive in a club environment, the dress code of the place (my uniform in particular is a test for me!), learning a new industry from scratch. I’ve made friends in the community through it, enjoyed girls’ days and chilling out at 4am (because after a long shift it is simply impossible to sleep no matter the hour). I celebrated my birthday with the staff and new friends I’ve made in the area and have fully embraced being a car owner (a first for me).

And yet, you know me by now, I’m already concerned with “what’s next”. Today on my drive – a glorious, sunny, six hours down I95 South – I ruminated on the exact question: What’s Next? With the dust finally settling from the most recent move, it’s time to start planning the next – back to DC? My home, my heart? Spend more time here in the south with Mom & Pop Limbo? (Things are easy here, it’s comfortable, welcoming, stress-free). Do I head north to Maine, to watch my nephews grow up having missed the first years of their lives? Do I pick somewhere new? That’s the question I asked myself last time; job searches, friends across the States, a million possibilities every single day – do I throw a dart at a map? It’s hard to let pieces of your heart go whenever you pick somewhere new, start where no one knows your name, but there’s a thrill to it, too.

I don’t have answers to these questions, yet, and I don’t know that I will anytime soon. But let me as you this one: how do you decide? Wherever it is that you make your life – what made you pick that place? Was there a moment of clarity? A specific set of circumstances? A chance meeting on a street corner? Love? Money? When you look at the rest of your life, where do you see it playing out, and does the where really matter? Because, on that last one, I’m starting to think… Not so much.

I’m listening to Joni Mitchell today, because her bluesy, unorthodox perspectives on love, family, and life are just right for me right now. I find myself, more often than not, in a thoughtful mood as of late. This is not my Summer norm, or, really, any kind of norm for me, but I’m enjoying it. I feel like I’m feeling out Limbo for all it’s possibility, trying to smile more and scrunch my forehead less.

In pursuit – or perhaps, practice? – of this new point of view, I took a couple days off from the campaign trail last week and spent them with visiting friends from the Rural North (where I spent my first 18 years). Seeing them for the first time in 5+ years was heart-stopping in itself, but having the wonderful time with them that I did? I don’t know that words will work, and so I’ll say it with pictures. First, my thoughts on the new ideal, and photos & lessons from my ‘vacation’ right here in D.C. after the jump.

Thing the First – There is so much more to life than work, first of all. I was happier & healthier for those 3 days than I have been in months. Not just work-wise but life-wise. I ate better (and without complaint!), slept soundly, laughed freely, walked miles upon miles and didn’t feel half dead thanks to it… I shed this stress that I’ve worn so heavily for so long, and all it took was a familiar smile.

I need to be healthy like this more often; not necessarily taking work off to do so, but I need to find that balance in life. I’ve never been particularly good at it, and D.C. certainly doesn’t lend itself any sort of work/life balance; but I’ve seen the light and I’m determined now.

Read the rest of this entry →

Life has been more stressful than usual these days, the joy of taking on an entirely new and daunting endeavor, I suppose. However, I’m learning to savor the little things instead of worrying about the big picture that I have no control over. It’s a process, I’ll admit. But here are some little things:

♥  kind words from my boss to a room full of people I admire.
♥  plans in the works for the 2010 Capital Pride celebration!
♥  discovering new trendy restaurants to make my own.
♥  the warm weather finally coming back to D.C.
♥  being given the opportunity to speak to a group of empowered, successful women today.
♥  the new friends I’ve made on this crazy path so far.
♥  having people who will stick up for you.
♥  my Twitter lists.
♥  software that works and makes life so much easier.
♥  last but note least – an amazing happy hour this coming Monday; seriously, it may be for my job but that’s not why I’m so excited: drink specials, a great LGBT crowd, and one of my favorite bars in the District!

I think the grey days of Spring adversely affect my mood in a way that even deep Winter can’t achieve. However, I came across this le Carre quote and felt an immediate connection. Success, like an all-night drive, leaves you lonely whether you can see it for what it is or not. Ambition, insanity, depression, self-preservation – they all put you outside of the warm embrace of your loved ones, your friends, your social circles. And you have to choose between hazy Summers of romantic flings and barbecues, and doing what you feel is right. It doesn’t feel good, having to choose, and on cold days in May it feels like it gets into my bones more than usual.

Coming home from very lonely places, all of us go a little mad: whether from great personal success, or just an all-night drive, we are the sole survivors of a world no one else has ever seen; John le Carre

shallwego / tumblr

from riflepaperco.com

The last few days have not been among my best. Have you ever fallen up stairs? It’s a little bit like catching your face on a cement curb, except with more momentum. Saturday I tripped and woke up Sunday morning with (my very first!) black eye, a split lip, a slight head injury, and a possibly broken left cheekbone. I spent yesterday very emotionally attached to an ice pack, and spent today’s rainy, cold excuse for a Spring day at the emergency room. I got my very first CT Scan! More firsts, yay!

So not only have the last few days been horribly chilly and rainy and gray, but I have literally been in and out of the ER. Perhaps tonight I’m a little on the cranky side. But hey, my face is fine (the CT was clean, woohoo!) and the Twitter & FB traffic was pretty hilarious throughout the entire ordeal. My favorites? How kind of you to ask… My favorite (aka, the funny ones) responses to various photos of my mangled face over the last two days in the Twitter-verse…

• From @tscottyd: One things for certain no one will mess w/ you for a looooong time. You’re looking like YOU just knocked out Pachiao.
• From @dcfisch: dear god you look swollen.
• From a fellow Derby regular: her and the ground didn;t agree on something it looks like
• From a buddy from The Vagina Monologues: the hell?
• From The Vagina Monologues‘ producer: Gah! I’m sure the other guy looks much worse.
• From @emilycrockett: Oh honey!!!!! Lemme kiss it and make it better.
• From @bp1222: Stairs: 1, Limbo: 0.
• From @captaincourage: u poor little thing. That may be the most pathetic pic I’ve ever seen.

Of course, there was twice as much encouragement and offers to help me out than there were jokes, but the laughter (while painful considering how much you use your face when laughing!) was much needed and appreciated. Hope that your week has started off better than mine, and I’ll be back in sunnier days (and a much warmer mood, I’m sure) soon!

It’s Friday, and of course, I’m in love. A Friday list of a different nature… 10 things that are made of, to quote the Mad Hatter, muchness. [Of course I saw 'Alice in Wonderland' this week, I'm a dork! This weekend I'm looking forward to 'Remember Me' and maybe a 'Dr. Who' marathon...]

1. Starting my morning commute off by stopping to say hello to the grounds keeper of the church next to my house.
2. Every lovely incarnation of Carroll’s ‘Alice’ (especially the Syfy version, which I’m still obsessed with, but Burton’s was very pretty as well!).
3. Macadamia nuts.
4. Weekends with no plans whatsoever.
5. Days that go like this: watching Congressional hearings on my favorite topics from the warmth of my K St office, meeting up with the DC Young Republicans for inspiring speakers and club business down on the Hill, heading to U St. to see some of my favorite local musicians do their thing at a packed Solly’s Tavern, and being home before 11 to curl up with my cat and sleep very soundly.
6. New Music.
7. Sneaking chocolate snacks in the morning with my coworkers. And ice cream at the office.
8. Friends back in town on their respective spring breaks.
9. Chuck, my newest addiction.
10. Loved ones who truly respect & support me, through everything, despite their own agendas or desires. Friends who want me to the best version of myself wherever that takes me in life. Friends who will take me to the theater to get my mind off of things. Who will cancel their own dinners and plans because someone really needs them. Friends who invite you out to hookah in the middle of a Thursday night. Friends who know all my secrets.

When last I checked in, I had decided – somewhat hesitantly, it’s true – to dip my toes (or rather, go off the diving board in a cannon-ball-like position) back into local theater. I have excitedly joined up with The Firm for their Spring 2010 production of The Vagina Monologues! I’ll be going all out as The Women Who Loved to Make Vaginas Happy! I still can’t believe I got a part, let alone this one. I’ll admit readily that the thought of moaning and going  a little insane in front of a theater full of strangers has me terrified but I’m also incredibly excited to be acting again, especially with such a wonderful group of involved, intelligent, talented women!

On top of being such a great experience, the proceeds from the show (one night only! March 5th!) will be going to the group The House of Ruth here in DC. Doing something to help the families of our own community (dealing with homeless and domestic abuse issues) feels very good, especially in light of the very hard Winter we’ve had.

To be a bit more specific about the title of this post, now that the squealing and excitement is out of the way… I feel as if I’ve been taking too much on to my plate, but I only want to be doing more. I love being involved in theater and art in the city (including seeing the Nu Sass Productions performance of “Art” this past Saturday), but I have missed seeing live music (though this week brings some shows to DC that I’ve been waiting ages to see – I can’t wait! Check out the calendar on the side of the site for more info!). I have loved the time off with family and loved ones, but I’ve missed policy and downtown and happy hours and wearing my suits. I have not been to any DC Young Republican events as of late. I’m trying to date. I’ve recently reorganized my library, my bedroom, and my closet. I have been cooking more and trying new cocktails. I’ve claimed a neighborhood bar. I’ve joined Four Square.

Andrew Lee Potts as Hatter in Syfy's "Alice"

I’ve been trying to see more movies, and listen to new albums. I miss my friends. I feel like I’m not doing nearly enough here for AtLimbo (I have two reviews ready for this week, and even that feels behind). I want to go to CPAC but am afraid I’ll miss nearly all of it. I want to go on even more road trips, but I don’t want to miss anything in Washington. I want to get out to the country more often and take a friend up on his idea of a ski trip. I want to practice my guitar and sing more, maybe try my hand at writing music. I want to write more in general. I want to try new things and spend time enjoying my favorites. I want to do it all.

I want to do it all.

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another; Anatole France

The Snowpocalopse has hit in all its glory and we easily have 2+ feet of snow in lovely Petworth. Last night was spent with delicious food, a couple of bottles of wine (and eventually a fifth of Jack), and my best friends. A dear friend, Chipmunk, decided to cook us all his famed Cordon Bleu (from scratch) and pot stickers of chicken, beef, and the most delicious soup/sauce I think I’ve ever had (Worcestershire, A1, teriyaki, white wine, thyme, black pepper…). We bought Ben & Jerry’s for dessert (with the magic shell chocolate sauce because we’re all actually children) and curled up to watch Adult Swim until our eyes were too heavy to care about the snow coming down. We have hunkered down in full on slumber party mode here at the house, with friends from Virginia, NYC, Columbia Heights, and upstate NY joining to do just about nothing.

This seems like a wonderful way to spend the weekend, right? Relaxing, rejuvenating (after Florida with two children and NYC in a ten hour road trip of insanity), catching up with people I have missed this month.

And yet… I sit here, contemplating simply not going to the Dupont Snow Ball Fight and instead curling up with a hot toddie and movies. Warm, able to be a grump without the enticing Ben & Jerry’s (which we all but finished last night). For example:

See? We know how to handle inclement weather. And so, why am I a sad sack? Well, I suppose it started with the beginning of 2010. With my letter full of hopeful instructions to the year ahead. Perhaps, beginning a new year with such high expectations for myself was my downfall. I figured that when you open yourself up to new experiences, indiscriminately, to the possibilities of love and hurt and triumph; well, those things only make you a richer person. It expands your horizons and hopefully gives you a lot of really funny stories by December (at the very least). And yet, by the end of the first month of this experiment, I am exhausted, burned, and skittish. I am very possibly skipping most of the fun of Snowpocalopse to stay home and be warm and be thoroughly snowed-in. I can’t even really figure out why. Is it my lack of live music this week? (Especially with Hotspur/No Second Troy postponed from last night at the 9:30 Club, had been looking forward to that show for weeks). Is it simply Winter getting to me?

Either way, it’s driving me up the wall! I’m surrounded by my best friends and housemates, we are playing Wii, drinking Jack Daniels (no judgment!), and making our plans for the End of the World (aka, even more snow). We even watched WarGames this morning. These are all things that cheer up Limbo, that make my world warm and bright and make me feel loved. And yet… There is a cloud hanging over me, and it’s not the fluffy kind that’s dumping white stuff all over the city.

In the meantime, I shall consider the quote that began this post. I shall consider that maybe the hope and the excitement and the new beginnings will not be all 2010 has in store for me. That in order to truly let myself go and enjoy all of those experiences, I have to actually let go. 2009 was a difficult year in many aspects, and I think I tried to make 2010 the opposite without putting the work in. Without making any real changes on my behalf. That ends now. I’m not going to simply take things as they come my way, I’m going to affect the things that happen to me. People who add stress or drama to my life? Out. Done. People who use me? They will not any more.

This should have been the letter I wrote to 2010. Hope tempered with realism, change that takes work. This snow storm will do me good (I’ll clean my house and re-emerge organized, energized, and ready for more), I’m determined, finally.

It has been a truly beautiful evening. One of great music, new friends, delicious food, and a view of the Mall from Virginia without another soul in sight. I really do need to remind myself more often why it is I love this place so much. Goodnight, moon. Goodnight, Mall.