The more I feel like this place is my home, the more I seem to miss the other parts,
the politics and the relationships.
It’s like… In Limbo you don’t need to make any definitive choice,
so nothing’s ever completely out of reach.
Once you choose… You shut so many doors.
I love being on the road. This seems to a theme lately, I know, but I am once again comfortable on my parents’ couch, having decided last night to take my two days off from the bar and visit the beach. I think I’ve figured out what I enjoy so much about these little sojourns, though.
I’m not particularly good at being ‘inside’ my own head. Time in the quiet, meditation, yoga, vacation – none of these things have ever fit for me. My brain tends to go into overdrive with all the other things I should be doing rather than just sitting. However, when I’m driving, I am in my element. I am inside my own mind, thinking over life’s big and little decisions, singing loudly to music I’d probably be embarrassed to admit loving (my recent performance? Definitely Ke$ha). In this moment in my life, it’s exactly what I need, I’d say.
Life in SoVA, thus far, has been surprisingly good to me. I’ve found a job; slinging cocktails & tasty bar food at a club in Newport News. It’s different than anything I’ve ever done before, and for that I’m thankful, it’s also been good for me in other ways – the confidence it takes to survive in a club environment, the dress code of the place (my uniform in particular is a test for me!), learning a new industry from scratch. I’ve made friends in the community through it, enjoyed girls’ days and chilling out at 4am (because after a long shift it is simply impossible to sleep no matter the hour). I celebrated my birthday with the staff and new friends I’ve made in the area and have fully embraced being a car owner (a first for me).
And yet, you know me by now, I’m already concerned with “what’s next”. Today on my drive – a glorious, sunny, six hours down I95 South – I ruminated on the exact question: What’s Next? With the dust finally settling from the most recent move, it’s time to start planning the next – back to DC? My home, my heart? Spend more time here in the south with Mom & Pop Limbo? (Things are easy here, it’s comfortable, welcoming, stress-free). Do I head north to Maine, to watch my nephews grow up having missed the first years of their lives? Do I pick somewhere new? That’s the question I asked myself last time; job searches, friends across the States, a million possibilities every single day – do I throw a dart at a map? It’s hard to let pieces of your heart go whenever you pick somewhere new, start where no one knows your name, but there’s a thrill to it, too.
I don’t have answers to these questions, yet, and I don’t know that I will anytime soon. But let me as you this one: how do you decide? Wherever it is that you make your life – what made you pick that place? Was there a moment of clarity? A specific set of circumstances? A chance meeting on a street corner? Love? Money? When you look at the rest of your life, where do you see it playing out, and does the where really matter? Because, on that last one, I’m starting to think… Not so much.
I’m trying to remember this woman (she once defended her own honor at 12-years-old and was told by her great-grandmother not to bow to a church she didn’t believe in… She seemed fearless). She said once:
“I believe in books, politics, honesty, writing, sex, history, blogging, trust, choice, public displays of affection, God, the strength of a well chosen word, fantasy, pride, film, forever, hugs, shoes, the power of touch, possibility, hope, family, love, and music. I love intensely; I leave marks; I burn bright. I’m proud of the work I’ve done; I’m still young; I have so much more to do.”
Didn’t she once decide to move to Cuba, and then go and do it? I remember so well, when she first moved to D.C., sneaking downstairs at night to put on pointe shoes and dance on the stage of the amphitheater as if she owned it. The lights shining down, the warm air… She was someone who wore short skirts because she felt strong in them; who never wanted to sleep because it would mean missing out on whatever happened next.
Now it seems like she simply can’t sleep at night, for what reason she has no clue.
I am officially in Southern Virginia. I’ve yet to decide what I feel about this, but it does feel nice to have stopped moving for once. For a bit, anyway.
I moved up from South Carolina on Friday, thanks to the genius packing skills of my parents and gorgeous weather. Mom and I had the convertible, my Dad followed in his truck, and with the top down and country music to accompany us, we made it to the Peninsula. My parents stayed for lunch and then hit the road home, while I spent the night unpacking and continuing to Not-React-Emotionally to leaving D.C. I’d had, in SC, a moment of missing the District, but it passed as the evening did…
On one of my last nights in SC, I had the delightful opportunity to have dinner with a fellow Southerner whom I met at CPAC 2010 in D.C. John from RightWingNews was so welcoming to me during CPAC, where I had a Blogger’s Pass for the first time, and I was excited to hear he was in the area while I was down here. I snagged him on Twitter right away and we made plans to meet up and catch up. I had, by then, been starved for the company of like-minded individuals, not just conservatives (in the South or not, my parents are still hardcore liberal Democrats) but people who understand my political obsessions and habits. Discussing why I left D.C. in the first place with him, and whether or not I think I’ll ever get back into politics… It made me ache with missing D.C. I don’t even know that I can put it to words.
However, other than the evening, other than being reminded so pointedly of what I love about Washington, I had done a very good job of Not-Missing-D.C. That is, until we woke up Sunday morning and decided to drive to the National Mall to see the Fourth.
from wildfoxcouture.com
I was looking through some old blog entries tonight – from The View from Dupont, my first DC blog – and came across the following… How appropriate…
I moved to Dupont because it seemed to be the one place in this city that people can be themselves. As a community we’re generally professionals and doing well for ourselves, but there are art galleries and dance clubs and bars and a bustling creative community of people who enjoy all different groups and lifestyles. However, I’ve noticed more and more that even Dupont has this city’s sense of… propriety. I’m a writer, a dancer, a bohemian, and open to just about anything, and I find more and more that this city hates people like that. *sigh* If only I had started over in a different place years ago, would I still be feeling this way there? Where ever “there” might have been? I’m not sure, but now that my life and loves all are based here, I find it hard to imagine just leaving, which is something in my heart I wish I had the courage to do.
Tonight I say ‘goodbye’ (because it’s never really goodbye) to D.C.
In the morning I’m heading to vacation for a week in Myrtle Beach,
and then moving to southern Virginia.
Wish me luck, blogosphere, as I let Limbo take its hold on me fully, I’ll be writing.
Best Regards, from Limbo
No one does Pride like the District. I’m ecstatic to be here for it one more time. See you on 17th!
I have spent most of my life working in one way or another. A million extracurricular activities, varsity sports, summer study programs, internships, three jobs & two programs in college… I haven’t taken a real break – one that lasted longer than a week – since I was four years old (which is when I started dance school and competing in beauty pageants). I have always had something else on my mind, something that needs to be done. Sleep has never come easy. Anxiety disorder was a bit of a give in by the time I was diagnosed bipolar in high school. I have struggled with human relationships on every level because in my mind the work has always been far more important. How can people admire you, respect you, love you – if you haven’t done anything worthy of that love? If you haven’t put the work ahead of your own well-being, how can you hope to achieve anything that’s truly good?
Some people find faith and fulfillment through art, religion, family. I have always found it through the work.
Until now.
I’m leaving.
I’ve never pictured myself outside of D.C. Outside of the politics that I love so much. I never thought I wouldn’t have the Front Page to drown my sorrows, the Mall to sooth my aching heart in times of need, or a cab to bring me home when the night has gotten a little too late. I have been here my entire adult life and I don’t know where to begin saying goodbye.
I must though. The beach calls my name, and I’m moving in less than a week. I’m going to continue writing, though you’ll notice changes about the place – beach bum life will probably not come easy to me, and we’ll see how long it takes for me to shake D.C. off my boots, but I hope you’ll join me as I do it. After all, it’s still Limbo out there in the wide world, isn’t it?
Life has been more stressful than usual these days, the joy of taking on an entirely new and daunting endeavor, I suppose. However, I’m learning to savor the little things instead of worrying about the big picture that I have no control over. It’s a process, I’ll admit. But here are some little things:
♥ kind words from my boss to a room full of people I admire.
♥ plans in the works for the 2010 Capital Pride celebration!
♥ discovering new trendy restaurants to make my own.
♥ the warm weather finally coming back to D.C.
♥ being given the opportunity to speak to a group of empowered, successful women today.
♥ the new friends I’ve made on this crazy path so far.
♥ having people who will stick up for you.
♥ my Twitter lists.
♥ software that works and makes life so much easier.
♥ last but note least – an amazing happy hour this coming Monday; seriously, it may be for my job but that’s not why I’m so excited: drink specials, a great LGBT crowd, and one of my favorite bars in the District!
It’s been over a week now. Since I left the Day Job, since I started the New Job, and since I went a little bit crazy missing At Limbo. I can’t be without it, it seems. However, as there is a New Job to focus on, I wanted to tell you all a little bit about it and invite you out to an evening we’re hosting this week!
Along with the DC GOP, come join us for a fundraiser in honor of Marc Morgan’s campaign in DC’s Ward 1! (Ward 1 is home to some of my favorite live venues – 9:30 Club, DC9, Velvet Lounge!) I’m ecstatic to be Marc’s Campaign Manager and so incredibly proud of the team off volunteers we have at this early stage of the game. Info on the event is here, come on out in support of a great candidate & mix & mingle with At Limbo!
Also, while you’re surfing today, check out our site (which we’re still working on) & ‘like’ us on Facebook (because you know you like us!).